I should preface this revelation with a brief explanation of WHY I don’t have to get up and go to my “normative” job today – the termite man is coming at ten. After my dog, the Asshole, ate our living room sofa (the second sofa she has eaten, topped off with not one, but TWO ottomans), and we hefted the pressed wood carcass of our couch out onto the dog porch, where the rest of the half-eaten furniture lounges with one foot in this world and one foot in the next, my wife and I noticed that one of our hardwood floor boards was riddled with termite leavings. Great. Yet another expense in the checkout line that is life. Whatever. That’s not the point. The point is, one of us had to stay home and deal with the termite-sprayer-person-man because we have four dogs and one of them doesn’t like boys, so if Terminix needs access to the various areas of our urban farmstead, Kerney Kerney Pants (which is a ridiculous name for a Rottweiler Doberman mix) needs a babysitter.
GUESS WHO DIDN’T HAVE TO WAKE UP AT 5:20AM?!
So, as I lounged in bed in my jammies, watching reruns of The Office on my iPad, I had a series of thoughts.
- It would be awesome to NOT have to live by the pings of an alarm clock.
- The Office really is the epitome of what good television should be. Dwight Schrute is one of the most multi-faceted characters ever created and my life has not been the same without him in it.
- People who are angry about the expansion of cultures involved in the new Star Wars movie are racist nerds who take life way too seriously. Star Wars existed to make the kids who didn’t fit in feel like they had somewhere to go. Far be it for that galaxy Far Far Away to exclude anyone.
- Has anyone else seen the previews for the Amazon original series about what life would be like if WWII had ended differently? I’m hooked. (Did you see my fascist segway between numbers three and four?)
- A kid in my class called me an elf yesterday. We have failed an entire generation of youth if we have given them the validation to verbalize critiques of teachers. Parents, beat your children or, at the very least, take away their electronic devices and teach them a sense of common decency. Also, to summarize in my co-worker’s words “If she is an elf, she is the angriest elf I have ever seen.”
- My dog smells like Fritos and my wife was right, Fritos are one of the worst smells in the world.
- I wish it was Christmas.
- What can I stick in the crockpot?
- Did you know there are, like, a thousand different types of porn? Can you imagine being the adult film star on the set of fetish porn? “Today, Cristi, we’re going to dump all of this Pumpkin Spice Coffee Creamer on you and we want you to sort of roll around in it while wearing these fake glasses…”
- In middle school, if the kids wear fake glasses, everyone else calmly remarks “I bet they ain’t even got no medicine in ’em.”
- I have started saying that and I feel like an idiot, but there isn’t a better way to express that sentiment. “Excuse me, young master, but are those prescription spectacles?”
- I might rearrange my office today.
- First I need to get out of bed.
- I need to poop. How will I poop while the termite-dude is here?
- I should get up.