Here’s to the Late Bloomers

I found this questionnaire on a high school friend’s Facebook page and could not resist. For future reference, I’m a sucker for quizzes.

I will be leaving out any specific dates, because I prefer to keep this whole thing sort of swathed in an air of mystery… Like we’re on a first date and you don’t know that I drink wine by the bottle and fart in bed at the least opportune moments.

Also, let us marvel at the Featured Image, that beautiful photo dating all the way back to ninth grade. God, how I loved that shirt. It made me feel so French, so cosmopolitan. Believe it or not, I didn’t own a straightener because, believe or not, straightening appliances did not exist in what my daughter calls “the olden days.” I had an orange curling iron with a big barrel and a hair dryer… Not sure why it’s doing that flippy-uppy thing on the ends, but I attribute it to a distinct lack of YouTube.


Damn, I was fashionable. You can probably buy that jumper right now, at Target.

Tell us about your SENIOR year of high school! The longer ago it was, the more fun the answers will be!!

1. Did you know your spouse? When I was a senior in high school, my wife would have been 35 years old. I can’t think of a way to write that in which we don’t sound like the weirdest couple on the planet, but I swear to God, we watch HouseHunters International just like everyone else.
2. Did you car pool to school? I did not. I had my own wheels…We were not the Banks family from Fresh Prince, I assure you. My mother was a teacher and my father worked for Sears. He traded a used satellite dish for the car, after my brother’s college roommate tried to make it an official donation to the American Kidney Foundation and was turned down. Dwell on that. My first car was so bad, THE NONPROFIT DID NOT WANT IT. Effectively, I was more desperate than the kidneys.

3. What kind of car did you have? 1989 Pontiac Grand Am with really adorable little dent spots that were sprayed over with red Krylon, because when you are a twenty year old man, you do not have money for auto body repair, not when there are forty shades of spray paint at Wal-Mart.
4. Did you ever TP anyone’s home? I can’t say that I have done that, no.

5. It’s Friday night: And I am home, hanging with the other nonexistent gay person in my small town. *ba-dum-ching* Actually, I was probably with my two best friends, one of whom was incredibly stupid and required near constant care. When I see her in the grocery store I think, “Jesus, it’s a miracle you’re an adult. It could have gone either way, really.”

6. What kind of job did you have in high school? I babysat. I know, I know. The glorious life of Beyonce. I was paid $6/hour to argue with children about homework and drive them to swim practice.
7. What kind of job do you have now? Sadly, I am still arguing with children about homework, but at least I get to drive my own kids to swim practice.

8. Were you a party animal? Gosh, no. My mom, my aunt, one of my cousins and my brother’s girlfriend were all actively employed at the tiny school I attended. I could literally get away with nothing. You know those girls who snuck in to school and changed in the bathroom to show off their boobs? I had my mom first period. You know those kids that piled out of the car, smelling like marijuana, and giggled all the way through science class? Okay… That might have been me. Never mind.

9. Were you a cheerleader? My mother made me try out to be on the middle school cheerleading squad when I was in the sixth grade, and I did not make it. There were eight spots and eight girls AND I DID NOT MAKE IT. Thanks for bringing it up again.

10. Were you considered a jock? My wife can vouch for this – I have absolutely no athletic ability. Zilch, nada, nothing. I hate running, I hate to sweat, and I can’t hit anything smaller than a truck with a baseball bat.

11. Were you in band, orchestra, or chorus? My school – and you’ll think I’m lying when I say this, but I so am not – was too small for any of that. We maybe had someone with the triangle, who could clink it before football games. And a tape recorder.

12. Were you a nerd? I am a lifelong nerd, and quite proud of that. I enjoy reading. I write books for a living, I love reading so much! I love Star Wars, I love Game of Thrones, I like sitting around discussing Star Wars and Game of Thrones. I can spend hours theorizing about the John Snow/Targaryen connection. I am also a lifelong devotee to the original X-Files series. I’ve seen every single episode enough to quote them by heart, and make connections between government conspiracy plots and modern entertainment. For instance, we rented #Spectre last night, really because it was $.99 on iTunes, and, toward the end, James Bond whispers “tempus fugit.””Wonder what that means?” Bae questioned, Bae who hates James Bond and pretended for two and half hours that she was not actively watching the film. “That means time flies,” I told her, casually. Now she thinks I’m a fucking genius. She is not aware that it is the name of the seventeenth episode, in the fourth season, of The X-Files. I should leave that out or she may never sleep with me again.

13. Did you get suspended or expelled? Please see the response for Question Eight. If I was talking in class, my mother already knew it before I made my way down to her room. Teachers are sly bitches like that.
14. Can you sing the fight song? Yes, but only because it’s to the tune of “Oh, Christmas Tree.”
15. Who was/were your favorite high school teacher(s)? My mom. You won’t believe it, but I am not saying that because she’s My Mother. She’s really that good. It would be hard for any other teacher to compare.
16. What was your school mascot? The Mighty, Mighty Raiders.
17. If you could go back and do it again, would you? No. Being a gay kid in the south, enrolled in a public high school, is not fun TODAY. Imagine how shitty it was twenty years ago, or twenty years before that. Also, let’s take into account these photos again, shall we? It took me until my twenties – okay, thirties – to make my peace with all of this hair. Take a look up top. Now check this out.


I would rather not go backwards in time.

Additionally, look how cute my niece’s eyeball is!
18. Did you have fun at Prom? I did! I went with a really good friend whose mother was a florist, so I had a lovely corsage. Do you think the corsage will fall by the wayside, like the corded telephone?
19. Do you still talk to the person you went to Prom with? Um, sometimes? We’re friends on the Facebook. I did text his brother yesterday, though. Does that count?
20. Are you planning on going to your next reunion? Yep, and I’ll pop out a table and hawk some romance novels. “Come and get your lesbian romance, folks! Step right up and meet the author! I know forty different ways to say vagina!”
21. Are you still in contact with people from school? Sure. That’s the benefit of Facebook, right? Your past is inescapable. On the day you least expect it, someone will pop up with some shit like this and ruin your morning.


And then they TAG YOU IN IT. Thanks a lot.
22. What are/were your school’s colors? Red, white and black, black like my mood that picture above. HAHAHAHAHAHA #pleatherfordays I was so confident that a pleather jacket would make me cool. I even wore it in the Sears Back-to-School fashion show.

Have a happy weekend, y’all! Hug your loved ones and go do some reading!


One Comment

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  1. The Daily Dose of Voss never fails to entertain. I’m secretly in awe of your hair.


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