The May-December Addendum

I told My Mother – because I tell My Mother, literally, EVERYTHING before I put it out for the inter webs to appreciate – about my ‘Land of the Lost’ conversation with Bae two days ago and then this happened:

My Mother: You know better than to make her feel bad, Voss Porter. She is a delightful woman who puts up with you.

Me: I didn’t make her feel bad. I just pointed out that there is a definitive difference in what we each consider culturally normal. That’s all.

My Mother: Most people in the country didn’t have color television sets. That’s not strange.

Me: Well, it is and it isn’t. I mean, I grew up with the Disney Channel. But I get what you’re saying. My Dad didn’t have a color television until he was eighteen-

My Mother: Your father what?

At this juncture in the conversation, I am walking My Mother to her car, so we’re standing in the front yard. 

Also, my parents are still married, and still, for the most part, pretty happy with that decision. My Father, however, is incorrigible. More on that later. 

Me: He always told us he didn’t have a color television set until he was eighteen.

My Mother: Oh really? Your Father was born with a silver spoon in his mouth. He was spoiled rotten. Ask him about those alpaca sweaters, Voss! ASK HIM ABOUT THE ALPACA SWEATERS! We had one alpaca sweater to share and my mother had four children and he had thirteen JUST ALL TO HIMSELF!

Me: Wow… You’re really bitter about ‘dem alpaca sweaters, huh?

My Mother: Voss, you have absolutely no idea… No color television… You wait until I get home. He was probably born with a big screen in the foyer.

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  1. It’s the Alpaca Sweaters that make a marriage!

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